mandy_heart

07:12 pm: i rather die.

09:33 pm: 430 calories today and 34 minutes in the gym =] i finally feel okay.

08:53 pm: i only worked out for thirty two minutes ... every minute counts! hehe ..although it still isn't a lot. i restricted really well today though =] but somehow i feel so down. it kind of sucks.

08:33 am: i feel like i'm falling apart sometimes...literally.
i went to the counselor yesterday and felt like a reall idiot talking about my problems when it doesn't look like i have them! but now i have to see a psychiatrist at school instead of the one at home so my counselor can keep in touch with him. i don't know how that makes me feel. i also may have to see a nutritionist just for "education" but i don't know how that is going to go. i feel so dumbb. i have to see her every week too. this blows. i can't constantly talk about FOOD.
on the up side.... it makes me want to prove to her that i can lose a lot of wweight... is that sick or what? but its kept me going well so far =] woohoo.

08:45 pm: i tried my best. i didn't intentionally go out of my way to make my friends hate me, i just couldn't stand going out, talking, getting a bite to eat. i couldn't handle it emotionally or physically. i feel more alone than ever and have no one to reach out to. so why do so many people hate me. why do people judge me when they have never walked in my shoes. i never question any one or why they do things. i understand that sometimes you need to do something for yourself regardless the consequences.
so now what? am i supposed to just forget all my friendships? start over? ...how ? i can't handle that... i know i can't. i'm not strong, nor do i want to be. i am ready to give up. =/ nothing is worth it anymore

08:15 pm: a long time has passed since i've been on lj and my life has only gotten more complicated. friends are beginning to vanish and the friends i have left all have boyfriends now. not only do i feel like i will never meet anyone since won't allow myself to go out, i don't think i could even be a good girlfriend if i did even find someone. i am not a conceited person - i put everyone in front of myself unless it has to do with my ED. i try to be a good person and a good friend but the harder i try, there is always something that happens that proves i'm not the friend i try to be. just because i'm not a good friend because of my ED, i want people to know its the best i can do. my best is never good enough.

the more i think, the more i want to end all this. as much as my ED is my one and only love, i wish i never had it to begin with.

my mother is one thing that bothers me. weight was never important to her. she wasn't overweight but she was by no means skinny ..not to be mean. it wasn't until my dad was told to cut a lot of fats out of his diet and he lost weight that my mom's eyes opened. it seemed like jealousy in a way. then i dropped 25 lbs really quick and although she was worried, i felt she was telling me to eat so i would get fat. because in the meantime she would walk on the treadmill and was slowly losing weight.
why is it okay for her to not eat crap but she buys it and forces it on me? why is it okay for her to complain she gained a pound, but when i say it she gets so annoyed and angry. why is it when i want to work out, she makes a list of chores for me to do or tells me to relax because i have so much anxiety. its like a small competition between us that we both would never admit. it's so complicated. its so frustrating. it's so hard.
i can't breathe any longer here.

11:52 pm: life is dwindling down ...

i hate that i can't be a friend. i hate that i can't bring myself to go out. i hate that i try to be a good person, but it doesn't ever work. i hate myself.

05:28 pm: can't stop crying =/

09:45 am: still on vacation...extended longer for the sole fact i am actually happy here (minus the binge last night)
i don't mind so much not weighing myself everyday since there is no scale here, but i am beginning to get anxious for when i go home. i've been working out a lot and im scared i'm gaining muscle. i want to be toned, but i NEED the number on the scale to go down.

i've weighed more than i do now but i feel the fattest now... crap

07:03 pm: :(

keep getting fat, don't matter how little i eat, how much i exercise... no budge .. fuck this =/

11:46 am: i just don't feel okay.

i want to see a psychiatrist - it took my parents almost 4 months to try to make an appt and now i have to wait another month.

i fail at everything i do and i'm so tired of it. i'm so annoyed.

11:30 am: i hate myself
a year ago i was ten lbs lighter
what happened
this weight scares me.
why do i keep eating then?
fatass ... ahh i need to stop

11:49 pm: one of those days that you can't stop crying... i hate those.

im tired of never feeling like myself anymore. i cried to my mom for the first time. it felt good to know she now knows how i feel at least. i think she is worried about me.

i hate this. =x

07:24 pm: i've been nothing but the worst friend. i never lied. i just hurt people i care about and it sucks. i don't know what to do or say to people anymore. i can't do this anymore.

05:24 pm: fighting with my best friend..not over my ed, but over a guy. and i was wrong. i made a mistake. im paying for it now. this hurts so bad.

11:30 am: slowly getting back on track. (:...SLOWLY

11:05 pm: i am once again really not okay. i don't know what to do with myself except cry and be upset and not want to look at myself. i can't even give myself a good reason to get out of bed anymore. this just isn't good at all.

07:27 pm: new month, new me (:

didn't do good today, just okay. But i am feeling better though a little so (: yay

01:33 pm: i'm just not okay. end of story

10:01 pm: crying and i can't stop. i hate everyone. my family is making me feel so worthless.